


In a Lonely City

by thranduils1



Series: In a Lonely City [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, F/M, Heavy Angst, Smut, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Stripping, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 16:58:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16876686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thranduils1/pseuds/thranduils1
Summary: Mini series of the reader dating her next door neighbor, Castiel. This Castiel is based off of Endvers!Castiel who has lost his grace and has an addiction problem. There will be angst ahead, everyone! No smooth sailing.





	1. In a Lonely City

**Author's Note:**

> Moving my fics over from Tumblr. Originally posted 1/15/18.

_I see you_  
You see me  
Eighteenth floor  
Across the street  
\--Nighthawks, The Midnight

You walked by your window and felt someone watching. You knew he was home and your lips curled into a little smile. There were few people awake at this time of night when you got home from work, but he always was. You wondered what kind of work he did if he was up at four in the morning.

Throwing your coat onto the table, you went towards your fridge, ready to eat something. You could have taken something home from the kitchen at work but you had been preoccupied with a slew of private dances for the majority of the night and hadn’t had time to give the cook enough time to make you something before he started cleaning up.

Empty. Except for a few apples and some deli meat. Which didn’t help because you didn’t have any bread. You needed to go shopping in the morning.

The freezer was the next option.

Lucky for you, you still had a couple of microwaveable dinners left. They were both the same, so you grabbed the top one and closed the door, moving towards the microwave.

_Sometimes you dance_  
Sometimes you read  
TV dinners, fall asleep 

Flopping on the couch, you grabbed the remote and flipped the TV on. Settling back into the couch, you dug into your dinner. You knew he was watching you. You watched him sometimes too. You’d caught eyes a couple of times and had to look away embarrassed.

He lived across the street in the neighboring apartment building. From what you could tell, he was pretty unkempt in the sense that his hair was always windblown, wearing loose clothes. He kind of looked like one of those people who would call themselves a ‘free spirit’.

Completely your type. Someone who you could pretend for a moment that you would be okay settling down with and then you or him deciding you were bored. That’s how it usually went with you.

_Sometimes you stay up_  
And get stoned  
But you always sleep alone 

The warmth washed over Castiel as he nonchalantly kept an eye on his next building neighbor. He lived for these moments. All he looked forward to all day after getting off work was popping some of those beauties and relaxing. And if she was home, it was nice to know the two of them were watching the other. It was like he wasn’t completely alone.

He eyed the bottle on the coffee table in front of him and surmised he was going to have to make a run soon. Picking up his phone, he texted his supplier before leaning forward and snatching his cigarettes off the table.

The night air was not as chilly as he was expecting. His eyes traveled up towards the moon when he took the first inhalation. The charred taste traveling down to his lungs further eased him into a sense of tranquility.

If he only had his wings still, he could fly through that moonlight. He could soar around the world, watching humanity grow, fall, then flourish again. He had had a place in the world and a home.

The ache of memories like that are what made him fall back towards the bottles. He thought about that nice bottle of whiskey and what a shot or two could do for him.

Putting his cigarette out, Castiel stood up. He glanced over across the way and caught her looking at him. She looked longer this time, dragging her eyes away.

She was an itch. He needed to scratch that itch somehow.

_Do I ever cross your mind_  
Through your window in the sky  
When you forget to close the blinds  
So do I 

It was way too damn early but you’d woken up at 9:30 all on your own and you cursed your body. You’d tried to fall back asleep for an hour but to no avail.

The sun was bright when you stepped out onto the sidewalk, your building door closing behind you. You kicked at some trash by the door, pushing it more towards the side before descending the stairs.

Luckily there was a café close that was cheap and you could grab breakfast there before going grocery shopping. You crossed the street and then waited for the light to change so you could cross again.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

You turned your head towards the source of the voice and your heart almost dropped out of your body. He was standing there, smirking at you. He looked as tired as you did. And he’d cut his hair to an undercut. You hadn’t thought he could look any better but there he went proving you wrong.

“N-no.” You found your voice, pushing a piece of hair behind your ear. “Unfortunately.”

If anyone else knew your guy’s circumstances, how you ‘knew’ each other, they would think this odd. But right then, it felt more than right. This is how you two should meet.

Again, with that smile. And those eyes. You had never been close enough to see them. They sparkled sapphire despite his tiredness.

“Coffee?” he offered.

“Don’t you wanna know my name first?”

He let out a small, embarrassed laugh, “Right… of course.”

“Y/N.”

His eyes met yours and they crinkled with his grin, “Castiel.”

There was something ethereal about that name. He had an aura about him that drew you in even more so when you were up close. Of course you wanted coffee with him.

Nodding, you jabbed your thumb in the general direction, “I was going over to Earl’s for some quick breakfast. There’s coffee there.”

“Nice. It’s a good place. I might grab something to eat too.”

 _Just to spend a little more time with you_ , Castiel thought to himself.

You smiled at him, “I’d recommend the egg whites and avocado open sandwich. With a side of bacon.”

“Sounds like you’re trying to be healthy but then you throw in that bacon.”

The light changed and the two of you began walking across the street. You gave a light laugh and jested, “What about bacon is not healthy?”

He put his hands on his chest in mock humility, “My apologies, I did not mean to offend. Bacon is delicious and probably should have its own category in the food pyramid.”

“That sounds more right. I’m glad you’ve righted your ways.”

“Let me make it up to you by buying you your breakfast as well.”

Opening the door for you, he gestured for you to go ahead of him, flashing that million dollar smile again.

Your eyes lingered on his lips before you forced yourself to walk past fully. You were sure as hell he noticed too. Today was going to be a turning point. You could feel it.


	2. Nothing to Keep Her Safe

“You could try that market on the corner of Holly and Forest.”

You had both ordered food and had made small talk – and it had come easily, surprisingly enough – until it had arrived at the table. You’d told him how good it was to have a warm breakfast before you went shopping, and he had given you a small smile before suggesting that. You knew exactly the market he was talking about.

“A co-op?” you chuckled. “What makes you think I need to go there?”

“You’re eating TV dinners. I mean, not judging, they do taste great. But, healthy should be the way to go right? Longevity and all that. Like with this.” He gestured at your breakfast that consisted of egg whites, fruit, and whole wheat toast.

Again, you chuckled before taking a bite of your breakfast. Your eyes met his across the small table and you teased, “You been watching me?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Castiel joked before taking a sip of his coffee.

You noticed he had barely touched his food since it had arrived, and something struck you odd about that when he was trying to get you to go more nutritious.

Swallowing, you taunted, “But are you just up at a weird hour or do you work late?”

 _I don’t sleep well. I used to not sleep at all_ , is what Castiel thought to himself. What he said out loud was, “Both. I get off at 11 and it’s hard to fall asleep when I know I don’t have to work until 4 the next day.”

“Huh,” you said more as an observation than anything.

Castiel took another long drink of his coffee, looking as if it was breathing life back into him. He swallowed, “What about you? Are you just up at weird hours?”

You didn’t think this was the appropriate time to tell him about your occupation. Not that you yourself were ashamed of it, but you knew the social stigma around it.

“I serve drinks,” you told him simply. “For a night club. It pays pretty decent. You get your slimeballs for sure at late hours but… I’ll put up with that.”

There was something in Castiel’s eyes, as he listened to you. Even after you got done speaking. You felt them boring into you and you had this strange sense that he knew you weren’t telling the truth. And that he already knew the truth already. But that would be crazy.

“Slimeballs exist everywhere unfortunately.”

Tension, you hadn’t even noticed, left your body at his dismissal of your lie. You still felt he knew but it didn’t matter now.

“They do,” you agreed before taking another few bites of your food.

The waitress interrupted the two of you, causing you to jump slightly. “Do you guys need the check?”

Pushy much?

The voice came out of nowhere and you looked around. It sounded so familiar, but you couldn’t put your finger on it as your eyes searched around you.

Castiel looked uncomfortable across the table when you met his eyes and averted his own immediately. He forced a smile at the waitress, “Yes, please.”

When she walked away, you murmured under your breath with a small laugh, “Pushy much?”

Giving you a tiny smirk, Castiel agreed, “Right? It’s not like this place is busy or anything. You weren’t even done.”

“You weren’t either.”

“I’ll grab a box,” Castiel assured you before pushing his chair back and going towards the counter to do so.

Castiel paid for the meal, despite your protests, and walked you out of the restaurant back onto the cool street.

“How about next time we go and find you a new jacket?” you teased him and Castiel’s mouth fell open at you in mock surprise.

He touched his weathered grey jacket and asked, “You don’t approve? I’m offended.”

“It’s not that I don’t approve. I just think you would look fine in some leather or… something new.”

“What if this has meaning?”

“If it did, you would have told me off from the beginning.”

Or he would have kept quiet because he liked hearing her talk and tease him. And he wouldn’t shoot down another opportunity to be around her again. This had been a long time in the making and if there was a chance to let it blossom, he wasn’t going to squander it.

Sighing dramatically, Castiel relented, “Fine. But no fancy places. Just thrift shops.”

“We have an accord.”

“What?” Castiel asked you amused.

“Jesus, have you never seen Pirates of the Caribbean?” The blank look on his face made your mouth fall open. “You’re kidding me right?”

“I’ve failed.”

“Immensely.”

“Perhaps you can show me it sometime.”

“Sounds like you’re trying to rack up another date before the next one even starts.”

“Date?”

The satisfied smile on his face immediately quelled the heat that had started rising. He was pleased with the term, not confused and that gave you confidence.

“I would call this a date.”

Softly, Castiel said, “I’m glad you think so.”

After a couple of moments of you two smiling at each other, you cleared your throat and told him, “I should probably go get my groceries before the inevitable wave of exhaustion hits me. I should get a nap in before work.”

“Probably,” he agreed. He held up the box in a small wave. “Thanks for going to breakfast.”

“It was fun.”

“Goodbye, Y/N.”

“Wait,” you stopped him as he started to turn and you pointed out, “How am I going to set up a time?”

The two of you exchanged your numbers and then you parted ways.

You felt his eyes on you as you walked away and you smiled to yourself.

<> <> <>

It was almost too good to be true that you and Castiel had the same nights off the last couple of weeks. You’d gone out together a handful of times and each time you had been on the verge of kissing him goodbye before he politely left.

Tonight was going to be different.

“You wanna come back to mine?” you asked him, putting it out there. It was now or never as the two of you stood outside your apartment door – he always made sure to walk you across the street before leaving you.

A smile grew across his face and you swore his eyes sparkled at the invitation. “Yeah,” he exhaled softly.

Your lips met, and you felt alight. Kissing him was like nothing you had ever felt before. There was something more to him and all you wanted to do was to keep him close. Your hands reached up his sides and caressed up his back, pulling him close.

 _Her fingers traced where his wings should have started, and he groaned against her mouth. The spots were still,_ so _sensitive, even after all this time. His wings would have wrapped around her, pulling her close to him, and would have kept her safe._

_Now he had nothing to keep her safe. Not from anything, including him._

<> <> <>

Castiel was warm, an inviting fire for you to smolder in. Your bodies fit together, moving in tandem and meeting each other in angles to bring your lips together again. His kisses were longing, yours desperate. The two of you found a happy medium, your lips brushing and moving past each other in rhythm while your hands gripped each other’s skin. You’d gotten undressed and you had barely noticed. It hadn’t taken long after crossing your threshold.

You guided him and then sunk down onto his length, biting your bottom lip trying to contain yourself. You adjusted slowly to him, moving slowly. You felt his fingers digging into your hips, anticipation making him jittery.

Loose praises left his lips, his hands not letting go of you. It felt good, being wanted this way. He actually wanted you, not just a shell of a person to project his sexual fantasies upon. That’s all men ever wanted from you. You’d started feeling like you weren’t real.

And then he came along, wanting to just be in your presence. To be friendly. Of course there were other thoughts lingering, but he’d put in the time and affection. It was more than you could bear to pass up and you wanted all of him.

“Y/N…” he breathed out, increasing his pace. “Fuck, you’re breathtaking.”

Breathtaking. You had never been described that way.

Leaning down, his cock still moving in and out of you, your lips met his. You wanted to convey the emotion you felt and the way he held you closer made you hope he had felt it.

_It was almost like flying, Castiel thought to himself. Maybe she could be his new drug._

_She was tangible, lovable. She loved him. That’s more than he could ever say about the bottles, staring back at him, mocking him, and telling him all the happiness he could ever have was a short high. He had gone so long believing his existence was fruitless… inconsequential. Then she came along and with a small smile and a brush of a hand had lit the last bit of hope inside of him again._

_His fingers dug into her skin, hoping this wasn’t a dream and that she would still be there after he came down._

<> <> <>

Castiel stumbled back into his apartment, tired and sore. But, happy.

He’d left Y/N, tucking her into her bed without waking her. He’d left her a note that he had to go to work in the afternoon – a rare occurrence -- and needed to shower, telling her to text him when she woke up.

A shower felt good, the water washing away the smell of sex and cigarettes from his body. He stayed in the shower a little longer than necessary, the warmth holding him in a cocoon, his eyes closed.

He figured he would grab something to eat on the way to work as he zipped up his jeans and reached for his shirt. His hair was still a tousled mess after having rubbed it quickly with his towel. Since he’d cut it, it was going to have to be styled a little bit more than usual, and he made it quick to put some product into it before walking out into the living room.

Out of nowhere, his heart sank as he felt the all too familiar pull of the downward spiral. Images of what could have been – with his brothers and sisters, his wings, Sam and Dean – flashed before his eyes and he rubbed at them painfully. Why couldn’t these thoughts just leave him alone?

He’d run away for a reason. He was hurting everyone around him and a fresh start is what he had needed. He’d kept it all under wraps and at bay usually, except when he skipped.

But he’d skipped last night, and it had been fine.

Until he’d left her. He had felt so good with Y/N.

Or was it just the high of sex?

Walking reluctantly to the living room, Castiel’s eyes traveled to his coffee table and he immediately thought how would he get through the next 7 hours? His fingers curled around the bottle and he swallowed dryly.

His twirled the bottle slowly in his hand, half his being trying to reason with him, the other begging for release from the guilt and emotion fraying his edges. He hadn’t been this sober in awhile and it was painful.

Nothing could release him quite as well as this and he was stuck with it. He’d gotten himself into it and it was only him that could bring himself out.

But he didn’t want to let go.

He popped the cap and threw a couple back, swallowing. He’d deal with it later, he promised himself.

<> <> <>

“Seriously. What do you do? You’re pretty jacked.”

The two of you were walking up the stairs to his apartment. He’d met you at the bus stop when you had gotten off after leaving work. You were giddy about going there, not having visited him before. You had noticed he had seemed a little nervous inviting you over, as if he was expecting something. But, you’d brushed it off, happy for the invite and the inclination that he was trusting and involved with you enough that he wanted you at his place.

You laughed at the term but how could he have not noticed? Especially when he was walking behind you and was obviously watching the way your muscles moved, viewable by the short skirt you were donning. You had to be strong to be able to pole dance. People may scoff and sneer at the dance, but it required an immense amount of body strength.

You shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. Turning to face him, you waited for him to lead the way to his front door. “Serve drinks.” Castiel rose his eyebrows expectantly and you shrugged, “And dance.”

Castiel nodded slowly, stopping in front of you, and said just as slowly, “Dance.” You nodded, giving him a little shrug in response.

Might as well just say it. “I think you can put the two together when I say I dance and work at a night club.”

The moment seemed to last for a painfully long time before Castiel simply asked, “I hope they pay well?”

It was the most off the wall response you expected and you gave a bark of a laugh. “Well, they don’t pay well. I get tipped well.”

“Means you’re doing your job right,” Castiel commented before walking over to his door and unlocking it.

The fact that he didn’t seem the little bit bothered by it warmed you.

“I suppose I’ll have to incorporate some routines into the bedroom to let you be the judge of that.”

Castiel’s grin was wide as he opened the door and he chided, “Now, don’t make it out like that was the whole end game I was going for.”

“Course not. I suggested it.”

You walked past him into the apartment and scolded yourself for being surprised at how clean it was. Just because he had the free spirit vibe shouldn’t equate his place to being a mess. Your eyes wandered the apartment, taking in the bohemian vibe that was reflected in his preference of clothing. It was homey, and you just wanted to settle into the lush looking couch and cuddle up with him.

Castiel was slightly fidgety as he walked by you and you narrowed your eyes slightly, confused by his demeanor.

Moving further into the apartment, you placed your purse down on the couch, watching him in the kitchen as he took a bottle of whiskey out of the freezer to make the two of you drinks. He was stealing glances at you, looking on edge.

“You alright?”

Cas exhaled loudly, a wide smile spreading across his face. “Always.”

It was unconvincing. He was off tonight.

Settling down into the couch, your eyes continued wandering around his décor. The pills on the coffee table caught your attention and your eyebrows rose in surprise. They were pain medications and you knew for a fact he hadn’t had anything done recently.

When he rounded the couch to sit next to you, you commented gesturing at them, “Don’t hide your shame?”

His shrug was meant to come off as indifferent, but you felt it was a farce. “What’s the point?”

You didn’t like the way he said that. Was he high all the time? Did he leave them out on the table on purpose?

Taking your drink from him, you responded, “I suppose baring it is honest. Indulge often?”

Castiel chewed on his lip for a moment before answering, “Often could be a word to describe it.”

You had a strange sense this is what had set him on edge since he’d picked you up from the bus stop.

<> <> <>

_She didn’t look happy about it, but she also didn’t look mad about it. Why did he have to do this? He’d left them out on purpose, knowing damn well she was going to see them. Was he trying to push her away because that’s the last thing he wanted? But it was his first reaction to any sort of intimacy._

_He didn’t deserve intimacy. He didn’t deserve love. And he sure as hell didn’t deserve someone like her._

<> <> <>

“Can’t be much different than alcohol, I suppose.”

The look on his face was one of surprise and you stood up from the couch. He’d extended some kindness towards you about something you had been keeping to yourself, the least you could do was return the favor. No matter how uncomfortable it made you.

Not wanting to sit next to him, you walked over to the sliding glass door and opened it, the sounds of the city flooding in. You brought the glass up to your lips and took a long drink, letting the warmth of the whiskey radiate through you.

Castiel came up behind you, his hands finding your sides. His lips were on your neck, tracing small patterns, breathing you in. “You smell delicious, honeybee.”

You responded coyly, “Do I not always?”

“Touche…” Castiel murmured against your skin, his lips leaving a wet trail up your neck. His hands wandered up, toying with your breasts.

Swallowing sharply, you asked, pressing your ass back into his pelvis, not missing the slightly moan leaving his lips, “How bad you want me?”

“Really bad,” Castiel responded in a guttural moan.

“Out here.”

There was a suspension of disbelief in the air before Castiel sputtered, “What?”

Your hand clasped onto his that was hovering over your breast, before looking over your shoulder at him, locking eyes.

God, you couldn’t resist the gravity you felt drawing you to him. “Take me out here.”

His smile was so bright, his fingers weaving into your hair before pulling you towards him for a deep kiss. The way his lips danced across yours, the sweet celestial smell of him… you lost yourself, trying to follow his desire.

“Mhm… I would love to see you dance.”

“Right now?” you asked, a small smile playing on your face.

Castiel shook his head and said, “No. At your work. I think it’d be magnificent to see you graceful on a pole.”

“You make it sound much more alluring than it is. And I wouldn’t recommend it.”

A crease formed on his forehead, “Why?”

“Jerry doesn’t like significant others. It’s caused problems in the past.”

“Do I strike you as the jealous type?”

“I suppose not.”

“You suppose not?”

“No, you aren’t.”

“That’s better.”

His lips were on yours again softly and you let yourself fall into the kiss. The faint taste of whiskey still painted on his lips drew you in even closer.

You repeated, “Take me out here.”

“Y/N…” Castiel got out in a laugh.

Your hand gripped tighter, turning yourself around in his grasp to face him. “What? I want you to fuck me out here. Let this whole city know you’re in control of me.”

You wanted to be his high.

Castiel searched your face and you saw his Adam’s apple move in succession with his quick swallow.

A choked laugh left his mouth and he turned you around to face him fully. You stared deeply into his eyes, wondering what was going through his mind.

Suddenly, his lips were on you, his hands holding your sides tightly, pressing you against him. His kisses were hungry, as if he wanted to devour you.

Somehow you placed your drink down on the small table on the balcony and followed his lead as he pulled you back towards the door, his lips not leaving yours once.

“I thought I said outside,” you told him breathlessly as the pair of you crossed the threshold back into his apartment.

His response was his hands running up the back of your skirt, cupping your ass. You moaned against his mouth as he fumbled, trying to undo the button on it.

“Compromise. Inside, lights off so no voyeurs see your beautiful body, but we leave the door open. I won’t deny them the chance to hear your voice,” Castiel panted, yanking down your skirt and pulling you close again, his eyes searching you for an answer to his proposal.

Pulling away from him, you cast your eyes downward, turning away from him. You made your way back to the balcony and picked up your drink, coming back inside with it.

Meeting his eyes, you took a long drink and smacked your lips as you swallowed.

“Well, what are you waiting for?”

The look in his eyes was lecherous.

 

<> <> <>

_1:28pm Cas?_

_2:10pm Cas?_

_3:00pm What are you doing?_

_4:00pm Are you alright?_

_6:25pm Seriously, Castiel. Please text me._

You were off at work, your mind wandering to Castiel. What if something had happened to him? He had never not responded to your texts before. What if he was over you and this was his way of dumping you? What if he had gotten seriously hurt?

No matter how much you tried to push the thought of him from your mind, you were constantly flooded by them. You were really a shell tonight, the smile there, the flirtatious movements, but your mind was not there.

_3:46am Cas?_

Your phone finally beeped when you were on the bus home.

_3:52 Are you home yet, Y/N?_

_3:52 What the hell happened? And I’m on my way._

_3:56 I’ll meet you there then. I’ve got a present._

You got off the bus at your stop and Castiel was waiting there for you, package in hand. He smiled brightly at you, donning the leather jacket you had picked out for him more than a month ago.

“You must be cold. Come on” he said at the same time you snapped, “Where the hell were you?”

He laughed, “What do you mean?”

“You were MIA! I was worried sick!”

“Yeah, well, shit. Aren’t we all?”

It was then you noticed his pupils. They were dilated, and his fingers were tapping the package. He was fidgety. Your heart sank, recognizing it was him, but it wasn’t him. Or it shouldn’t be who he was.

He was high; you were sure of it. Still, you needed him to say it.

“Are you high?” you blurted out incredulous.

His expression faltered for the slightest moment before he jumped right back into his maniac state. “Yeah. It’s been a good roll. Or two. I don’t know. It’s been a blur since yesterday afternoon. Here, I got you something.”

The nonchalant way he said it and brushed it off, trying to hand you the package stung. He’d been avoiding texting – or unable to text – because he was rolling so deep.

Swallowing thickly, you didn’t take the package and instead asked, “What did you take?”

He seemed put off a bit that you didn’t take the package but answered, “Molly. But I took some Adderall cause the slight depression after the molly, you know. Losing that serotonin is a big fuck you after all the fun you had. You want some?”

Scoffing, you told him, “No!”

He realized something was wrong and asked, “Are you alright?”

Your anger that had been simmering since the two of you had begun speaking reached a boiling point and you exploded, “No! You didn’t talk to me for almost a whole day! I thought you had gotten hurt! Or that you wanted to break up with me! Or something worse! But no! You were just too busy getting high to even bother to text me back once to let me know you were okay! No! I’m not alright, Castiel!”

An uncomfortable laugh left his lips and he said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it –”

“You’re right! You didn’t think! At all!” You choked back a cry, not wanting to cry in front of him or on the street. You pushed past him and it took a moment for him to realize you were walking away.

His arm reached out and grabbed your arm, “Y/N! I’m sorry. Where are you going?”

“Home!” you barked. “Let me go!”

Castiel immediately let go of your arm, his turn to look stung at your behavior. But he deserved it and you didn’t feel an ounce of regret.

The tears blurred your vision and you wiped them away angrily. You tried to control your sobs when got into your apartment but you all but collapsed against the door when you locked it, sinking to the floor.

How could he do that to you? And not seem to give a shit?

<> <> <>

Castiel threw his phone down on the table, exhaling loudly. He ran his hands over his face, exhausted. He’d been trying to reach Y/N for the last day, but she was ignoring him.

Guilt was coursing through him and shame. He’d frightened her. All because he couldn’t keep his shit together enough to make sure that she was comfortable. He cared more about not feeling than he cared about her feelings.

“Cas?”

Castiel’s chest clenched at the familiar voice. Not right fucking now. Not ever. They were supposed to stay away, and he was supposed to live his life alone.

But he wasn’t alone anymore, and this was the worst possible timing for them to show up.

“Sam.”

There was an exhale of relief behind Castiel before he whipped around and faced the two towering brothers.

“Jesus Christ, Cas. We were worried about you,” Dean huffed out before coming towards Castiel quicker than he was able to react and pulled him into a rough hug, awkwardly. He was still standing while Castiel was still sitting in a mixture of shock and annoyance.

Castiel said gruffly as Dean pulled away when Castiel didn’t hug him back, “You shouldn’t be here.”

“What do you mean? We’ve been looking for you for over a year!” Sam protested.

“I didn’t want you to find me.”

They both look like they had taken a sack of rocks to the stomach.

Sam spoke first. “Why?” he asked softly.

Honesty was hard but considering his circumstance, he was more inclined than ever to utilize it. He was going to have to if he was going to make up to Y/N and he might as well start practicing now.

“I’m useless.”

Realization and sadness swam across their features and Dean tried, “Cas… I didn’t mean it when I said that.”

“But you did.”

Dean had said, annoyed, that Castiel was nothing without his grace. It was years ago but it had stuck with Cas. He knew it was true. What was he except another body that was even more lost than other hunters because he’d never been trained in managing human capabilities and emotions?

And the fucking pain he felt when his wings left… as his grace waned.

No. He was useless to them. His presence around them wasn’t healthy for him or them. Being away was the only way he could try to attempt to gain footing again.

Dean was at loss for words and Sam looked heartbroken.

“I need to go.”

“Cas, please – ”

“I need to go,” Castiel repeated.

Sam’s grip was tight, and Cas wished he had his angelic abilities still to break his grip, toss him back. Just to exert some dominance over him and cement his stance.

“Cas… when you’re ready… we are here. We want you to come home. We just want you to know that we are here and… talk when you’re ready. We are staying here.”

Sam held out a card to Castiel and stared him down, expecting him to take it.

Castiel stared back at Sam hard, his gaze unwavering. But Sam was a force to be reckoned with, just like Dean. Castiel relented, reaching his free arm out and taking the card from Sam.

Immediately Sam’s grip loosened and left his other arm, giving him a curt nod. “We’re working a case and I’m sure we can find another one to keep us occupied. If need be.”

If need be. To give Castiel time to come around.

“Alright,” Castiel told him tightly. His eyes flicked to Dean and he gave him a curt nod before getting up and throwing a bill on the table to cover the coffee and give the waitress a tip.

“Cas.” Dean’s voice rang out and Cas stopped in his tracks before turning around slowly. He had almost been at the door, almost about to escape from this uncomfortable and painful situation. Dean was leveling him with a gaze. “We mean it.”

Unfortunately, he knew that was true. And they weren’t ones to give up easily. And he wasn’t about to leave the city to get away from them because there was something here he wanted.

“I know.”

With that, he turned on his heel and left the café as quickly as he could.

He didn’t want this to happen. He had been trying to get himself on track for Y/N. He wanted to get better for her. He wanted to start anew with her and be here with her. It didn’t matter if he stopped using completely. Even if he reduced it because he had her, that was better than anything. She was the first thing that made him want this… to be healthy.

And back waltzed in the things he had failed. It was too much.

The bottle screamed at him from his pocket and it was all too easy to reach in and pull it out.

<> <> <>

“Hello, gorgeous.”

“Hi, honey,” you responded flirtatiously. The man looked pleased with your response. “You prefer ‘honey’?”

“Luke.”

Highly doubtful that was his real name.

“Alright then. Luke,” you responded tapping him on the end of his nose, keeping yourself out of reach, no matter that he tried to reach forward to grab you. “No touching, sweetheart.”

“Yet.”

Yet. The word sent an ominous feeling through you, regardless of how many men broke the rule every night, just slightly pushing past the boundaries every time. It was a test of their masculinity, seeing what they could get away with, handling you like a toy. You’d dealt with it so many times. But tonight felt… different.

You grinded yourself against his ever-growing length hidden by his trousers.

The rule didn’t last long, shorter than normal. But the twenties from his pockets kept falling towards you and you pressed on, the incentive of a good pay day getting the better of you. Insulting customers like this was sure to bring you trouble.

His hands traced the outside of your chest, his thumbs brushing the edges of your breasts. “You are magnificent. Jesus, these tits.” His hands clasped down and you gasped, in real time, not rehearsed.

A guttural moan left his lips as one of his hands left your breasts, trailing down and grasping your ass hard, the force of it pulling you fully into his lap. His eyes were blown with lust.

“God, I would ride you raw.”

It was getting harder to play this off. He was obviously either too far into his drink or on a power play or a combination of both.

You tried to dance nonchalantly out of his lap, but his grip was tight, and you forced a tight lip smile, resuming your grinding. You were facing the wall, so there was no way to catch the eye of one of the bouncers.

‘Luke’ grinded his pelvis deeper into you, no doubt imagining how he would feel buried deep inside you.

“You’ve got such a pretty little mouth,” he said, as he allowed you some freedom, giving you space to dance back out of his lap.

<> <> <>

The room was alight, the colors and neon springing out to him. Castiel had needed just a little bit of confidence to go face Y/N. Just a tiny high, not like the molly. Those white pills were hitting the spot. He was almost to the point of not caring that Sam and Dean had found him, riding out the high. How good it would feel to have Y/N’s lips against his. She’d performed so well for him in the bedroom before. She was graceful, sensual, and drove him wild.

Having her dance for him here, him a paying customer, he thought of the arousal. The setting was perfect and when she got off work, he could take her to bed unbeknownst to everyone else.

He’d brought the present with him. He’d found a first edition copy of one of her favorite comic books and he knew she didn’t have it. He’d asked her if she had any first editions nonchalantly and she’d confirmed she didn’t. And knowing which one was her favorite, he had searched high and low for it all over the city and online. He’d finally found it and he just knew she would understand how much he cared about her.

The thought warmed him to his core.

But it turned sour in a moment.

He wasn’t supposed to be here. Something in the back of his mind kept nagging at him to leave as he walked up to the front doors of the strip club. But, he just wanted to see her.

And see her he did.

Castiel felt rage burning through him. Seeing that man’s hands on her, groping her when he knew for a goddamn fact she didn’t really want it. Not like how she wanted his hands on her.

His hands roaming down her body, gripping her ass tightly. Y/N responded appropriately, seductively smiling at the man, grinding herself harder into him. And that only made Castiel angrier, knowing the stranger’s hard on was brushing against her inner thighs.

He felt her uneasiness and yet she continued to dance for him.

She shouldn’t have to do this. He’d seen this before. So many times. He’d tried to reason with a girl before, telling her it wasn’t her fault that her father left, and she had exploded on him, threatening to call the security.

It would be different this time. Y/N was different.

And then the man unzipped his pants, pulling his hard dick out of his pants, his hand jerking up and down. The smile on his face was wolfish and Y/N leaned back a little, not knowing how to get herself out of that situation.

Castiel advanced on them, bumping shoulders roughly with another patron, who shouted at him angrily for spilling his drink. Castiel didn’t give a shit.

<> <> <>

You felt hands on you that didn’t belong to the man who was currently dry humping the shit out of you. When he had freed himself out of his pants, your mouth had fallen open in shock but from the lewd expression on his face, you surmised he thought you were impressed with him. You had been afraid he was going to cum in his pants before but now that he was out... his intention was all too clear. The hands pulled you, the grip on your skin gentle. Your eyes met the assailants and your heart sank as yours met those icy blues, blown wide with whatever drug he had popped.

“Cas?” you gasped.

You were free of the man, pushed away from him, and you knew what Castiel was going to do. And there was nothing you could do to stop it when he was in the state he was. Castiel was on the man in a second, grabbing him by the collar and yanking him up. The man’s cock was still jutting out, framed perfectly by his trousers. He looked pathetic standing there with it exposed so and being held by the neck of his shirt.

“Do you have no sense of respect?” Castiel growled at him. “She’s a human being!”

“Castiel!” you exclaimed, trying to hold onto his arm.

“Let me go!” the man demanded through choked gasping.

“You don’t deserve her. You don’t deserve anything she has to give!”

Before you could stop him, Castiel swung back and landed a sickening punch across the man’s face.

<> <> <>

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know he was going to show up!”

Jerry was in a fit, the veins in his forehead protruding with his anger. “The rule is ‘No. Goddamn. MOTHERFUCKING. Boyfriends!’” His fist slammed on the desk, causing you to jump. “What about that didn’t you understand?”

You tried to plead, “I didn’t invite him!”

“That doesn’t matter! He showed up! He threatened someone and got physical! He caused a fucking scene and I lost a large chunk of change!”

“Take it out of my pay!” you begged. “I’ll tell him not to come around anymore! Please!”

“He beat up a customer!”

“He… he…”

Jerry shouted, “He was high as hell is what he was! You’re lucky I didn’t call the fucking cops on him, Y/N! I just wanted him the fuck out of my place!”

Your shoulders slumped, the tears getting the better of you.

Despite his anger, you saw Jerry’s expression soften at seeing your tears. “You need to get your shit sorted out, Y/N.”

“My shit is sorted out.”

“Apparently not. You work at a strip club.” That hit you like a punch to your gut. He managed a strip club, you thought angrily to yourself, so what did that say about him? You kept your tongue tied though, wiping at your tears instead. “And you got your junkie boyfriend,” you flinched at the term, “coming around causing problems that jeopardizes everyone else trying to make a buck and survive.”

“It’s not my fault,” you tried weakly.

“It is your fault. You opened your legs to that. Got him addicted on a whole new level of drug. You should know how powerful pussy is, Y/N. You live a life to know that.”

“I won’t let him do it again.”

“Not right now, Y/N! Just… get out of my office. Now.”

Your heart sunk. You couldn’t lose this job, but you didn’t see any way of keeping it.


	3. I Can Get Better

_5:31am Y/N?_

_5:46am Y/N, please answer me._

_6:10am Missed call from Castiel._

_6:12am Please just let me know you’re alright._

_6:19am I am really fucking sorry for being an idiot. I shouldn’t have come to your work._

_6:30am Missed call from Castiel._

_6:57am Please._

This had been sent since he had left you at your work and you sighed, your heart heavy staring at your phone. You should at least let him know that you were alright.

_7:01am I’m fine, Cas. I just don’t want to talk to you right now._

You wiped new tears that washed down your face, bringing the bottle of whiskey to your lips that you had bought on the way home. You just wanted to pass out and forget what had happened today.

_7:02am Can I come over?_

You let out an annoyed sigh.

_7:03am I just told you I didn’t want to talk. I responded just to let you know I was okay. I’ll talk to you when I’m ready. Good night, I need to sleep._

_7:04am Good night. I love you._

I love you. That’s the first time either of you had said it. And the first time had to be now. Your clutch on your phone was causing your arm to shake. A mixture of sadness and anger drowned you. You didn’t have the will to respond. You didn’t want to give him the satisfaction right now.

<> <> <>

Jerry called you to come into the club the next night, and you did so quickly, making sure to get ready enough to be presentable if he didn’t fire you.

When you walked through the club, you felt your coworkers watching you, judging. As if any of them were better than you. You knew for a damn fact some of them used and their boyfriends and girlfriends did the same. But… none of them had their significant other do what Cas did.

You forced yourself to keep your head up as you walked to the back to Jerry’s office.

When you walked in, you leaned against the back of the closed door, not inviting yourself to sit down.

He was watching you closely before he sighed, “I’m not going to fire you, Y/N.”

Relief flooded through you.

“Thank you,” you breathed out.

“What are you going to do about him?”

Shifting uncomfortably, you pushed your purse strap up back onto your shoulder. “I don’t know. I haven’t really spoken to him.”

“Do you think that’s wise?”

“He won’t come back.”

“How can you be sure of that?”

“Because he knows what he did and what he almost cost me. He wouldn’t do it again. He…” it was hard for you to finish, the feeling of him telling you for the first time in such a bad circumstance, hitting you again. You pressed on, your throat dry, “He loves me.”

For some reason, Jerry looked saddened by this and you thought perhaps he pitied you.

There were a few moments of silence before Jerry exhaled, “Well, let’s hope you’re right about that.” His eyes ran over you and he asked, “Are you up to working tonight?” You nodded almost too eagerly. “Fine, get to it then. I don’t want you up on stage though tonight. Just working the bar.” Your heart sank a little bit and he noticed your expression. He explained, “Until it cools down a bit. It just happened a couple nights ago, Y/N. I’m sure there’s regulars that are still freaked out and know who you are.”

As much as it made sense, you had to agree with him. And you should be thankful you still had a job.

Nodding, you agreed, “Yes. Okay. I’ll just… work the bar.”

“It’s only temporary.”

“Okay.”

He waved you off. “Go.”

<> <> <>

Every time you left your apartment, you were afraid you were going to run into Castiel. It hadn’t happened yet but the blood pumping in your veins whenever you walked out the front door still had you on high alert.

It was awful to not speak to him though. You hadn’t spoken or seen him for four days and you knew that it was hurting him as much as it was you. He still texted you every morning around when he knew you would get off work and ask you if you were still alright. Even the smallest response from you, you were sure continued to keep him hopeful. And you had to admit you still liked knowing he was okay too. You’d texted him to let him know you weren’t fired and he had been over the moon thankful.

You found your anger at him dissolving at a quick rate. You knew your resolve was going to falter soon.

And maybe you should extend the olive branch again. You had the night off and you could have him over for dinner. You wanted to be in your own element when you reunited, to have some control over the situation.

When you arrived home from the corner grocery store, you placed the bags on the counter, tossing your phone on the counter as well. As soon as you did, your phone lit up.

Are you home?

You looked up at the sliding glass door and sighed, remembering that you’d kept it closed, along with the blinds, since three nights ago. You knew Castiel could see the light on in your apartment, but he couldn’t see you. And that’s what mattered.

You expected that text and you sighed annoyed, flipping over your phone to not look at it again. You wanted to talk to him but you wanted to initiate it. You’d bought all the ingredients for dinner and you wanted to get everything set into motion before you finally texted him.

Sautéing the onions and garlic was your favorite part of frying potatoes. The aroma always made your stomach grumble, enticing you. You fell into the pattern of cutting up the potatoes, humming quietly to yourself.

Your peace was interrupted when you snapped your head up at a sound outside. You thought you heard your name being shouted, muffled.

Tossing the remainder of the potatoes into the pan, you quickly moved towards your balcony. Throwing open your door, it came in clearly, “Y/N! Please let me in!”

Jesus **Christ**. He was at the apartment door downstairs, yelling for you. You were going to _strangle_ him.

Practically running back to the kitchen, you barely avoided skidding into the oven. Switching the heat down to low, you cursed to yourself, running to grab your keys and coat. Before leaving your apartment – with your sliding glass door still open – you heard someone shout, “Whoever the fuck he’s talking to, LET HIM IN!”

Great. Now your neighbors were going to hate you!

Skipping the elevator, you ran down the stairwell, bursting through the door to the lobby of the apartment building. You could see him standing on the doorstep and you charged at the front door, throwing it open, almost hitting him in the process.

His eyes were glossy, his smile hopeful at seeing you, and your heart sank, before new fury raged through you. He still was using. It was as if none of what had happened had sunk in or that he cared about what he had done.

“What the _fuck_ are you doing?” you hissed at him as someone shouted from a window high up in your building to shut up.

He still looked relieved to see you and he said, “Trying to talk to you!”

“I obviously didn’t want to talk, Cas! I didn’t text you back!”

“But, I brought these for you,” Castiel said lifting his hand up to show you the flowers that you had failed to notice past your anger. They were your favorite two types of flowers, adorned with baby’s breath.

There were conflicting feelings running through you, appreciative he had thought of you and remembered which types. But, this was not right.

You shook your head, “Cas, you can’t just bring me flowers, and everything is going to be better! Especially since you’re _screaming_ outside my apartment building and causing a scene!”

Castiel’s smile had melted away and he was looking at you confused, as if he didn’t understand what he was doing wrong. And how could he think clearly? Tears began to form thinking of this.

“I thought these were your favorite,” he stammered. “And how else was I supposed to get your attention other than yell?”

“Call me!” you burst out. “Text me again! ASK to come over! Don’t just show up, shouting like a lunatic! And they are my favorite! But _why_ can’t you ever just do something _normal_! I mean, Jesus, I was going to fucking make you dinner just now and try to amend things. But then you go and do this! I don’t want someone who drives my world crazy!”

Castiel looked like he had gotten socked in the stomach and you immediately felt bad for saying it. He was in a bad place but… you couldn’t deal with it if he wasn’t ready to get help. There was no taking back the words now but you tried to soften the blow.

“You need to clean up, Cas,” you told him, tears running down your face. You didn’t wipe them away, you wanted them seen and for it to hopefully etch itself into his memory. He had to remember some of it when he finally came down – if he ever did. “I… I want you to get better. But you don’t want to.”

His expression and tone were pleading, stepping closer, “I can get better.”

“Yeah, you can,” you agreed before adding, “But you won’t. You’re still using even after what happened at my work.” You felt anger rising up again and you said, “I mean, how do you even function at your job?”

“It’s night shift, I don’t really need to be doing anything,” he told you, as if that made everything better.

You sniffled and shook your head, looking away from him.

“Y/N?” he asked, reaching out for you and for some reason you let him grab onto your wrist. “Please let me stay,” he pleaded. “Just for a night. I can get better. I promise. Just let me stay with you. I’ll enjoy every bite of dinner.”

“I can’t, Cas,” you told him, your voice breaking.

“You can,” Castiel tried to tell you, coming closer.

Pulling away from him, you saw his eyes brimming with tears as you stepped back. “I can’t. You need to figure your shit out.”

The flowers dropped to his side as he told you tearfully, “I’ll get help. Please, I promise.”

“You’re promising me because you’re high and you’re desperate to get my forgiveness, Cas. As soon as you start coming back down, what will you do?”

<> <> <>

_He knew exactly what he would do. And he hated that she was right._

_But he didn’t want to lose her._

<> <> <>

Castiel wasn’t saying anything, staring down at the ground. You saw a fat tear escape his eye and roll down his cheek.

“Please take the flowers.”

You couldn’t stand seeing him cry the way he was. Hand shaking you reached out for them and tension visibly left Castiel’s shoulders in the slightest. He handed them to you and you told him stiffly, “Thank you. I’m going inside now.”

He was deflated, and you turned away from him quickly, fumbling with your keys. You needed to get inside, you needed to not see him anymore. You needed to be far from where he was so you wouldn’t crumble into a heap and pull him into a hug. You needed to be strong and let him know you were serious about what you said. He needed to get better before you could let him back in.

And you ached to have him back.

<> <> <>

Castiel knocked on the door and took a step back, his head hanging. He was ashamed he was here and debated about walking away before they opened the door.

The itch was terrible, his fingernails digging into his palms. He closed his eyes tight, trying to think of anything other than the need to get high.

He’d drank a bit, but he’d purposely left the pills at home.

The door swung open – he hadn’t even been paying attention enough to hear the footsteps approach the door on the other side – and Sam stood there.

“Cas,” he breathed out and Cas met his eyes reluctantly. Dean appeared behind Sam almost instantly at the mention of him.

Castiel forced himself to say in a choked voice, “I need help.”

“O-oh,” Sam stammered slightly before stepping out of the way of the door.

He shouldn’t have been so surprised at how eager Sam and Dean were to take him back in – as if he still mattered. Like he was part of their family. They would always think of him as such and it made Castiel feel guilty. He wasn’t worth their time and affection, yet they continued to care about him.

Stepping across the threshold, he clenched his fists and waited for Sam to close the door.

“What’s going on?”

Castiel’s voice was shaky, “I… I fucked up. Big time.”

Dean and Sam exchanged a look before Sam offered, “Sit down, buddy. Tell us what happened.”

Castiel sat and stared at the ground, the words formed and ready to burst out of him. But he didn’t want to admit to them how far down the rabbit hole he had gone. This was a stupid idea. If they had refused to hate him before, this was surely something that would cause them to.

Sam’s voice reached him again through his thoughts, “Castiel, we understand you’re hurting, but you need to tell us what’s going on.”

Castiel ran his hands through his hair, exhaling loudly, trying to keep himself under control. He needed a shot. Or something. Something to keep him from completely losing it.

“Do… do you guys have beer?”

“Course,” Dean said standing up and walking over to the mini fridge. “Sorry, should’ve offered it the moment you walked through the door.”

Castiel took it, guilt rushing through him. He was here to get help and he was having them hand him the gun. He was so ready to pull the trigger and keep satisfying this rotten part of himself.

No.

Holding it back out, Castiel said, “Actually… I can’t.” He was ashamed at how hard it was for him to do such a simple act. He felt weak and he hated feeling that way. Dean and Sam both looked at him confused and Cas pressed with some force, “Please. Take it.”

Dean was giving him a curious look, but he reached out and took it back.

“I can’t have it,” Castiel said, trying to explain. It wasn’t working because they were both looking at him with incredulous expressions and he just blurted out, “I need to get clean.”

The words hung in the air, Dean and Sam’s mouths open in surprise. Castiel held his breath, waiting for one of them to say something. To yell at him and tell him how stupid he was. How stupid he always was.

“Clean?” Sam finally asked, no trace of judgment in his voice, only concern.

Again, why was it a surprise to Castiel?

Nodding, he told them both, “Yes. I left my pills at home. On purpose. I have to stop using. I have to stop drinking.”

“Whoa, whoa. What are you using?” Dean asked cutting in.

Letting out a sarcastic laugh, Castiel replied, “The list of what I’m not using would be shorter.”

Sam and Dean both looked hurt and scared for him, overcoming Castiel with emotion.

Tears brimmed Castiel’s eyes and he sniffled, “It’s a lot to ask of you guys. Especially since I just up and bolted without any warning or a-a-a note or anything. I just… I can’t do it anymore. It’s killing me, and it hurt Y/N.”

“Who’s Y/N?” Sam asked gently.

Wiping at a tear, Castiel whispered, “My girlfriend. Well… my ex-girlfriend. She won’t talk to me.” More tears welled up and he sputtered, “I made her almost lose her job cause I showed up high at her work. And I… caused trouble.”

Dean and Sam exchanged a look unbeknownst to Castiel. Dean rose his eyebrows at Sam, in a “what the fuck” look.

“And then I showed up at her apartment, making a scene. I was just trying to give her flowers. They were her favorite.”

He was staring down at the ground, avoiding looking at them now. Even if these were only two of the many transgressions he had committed while being high, they still hurt and embarrassed him to admit out loud.

Dean cleared his throat, “So, do you want to go to a rehab or something?”

Castiel looked up just as Sam snapped, “He can’t go to a rehab, Dean! Jimmy is dead, so how many red flags would that raise if Cas showed up there looking exactly like Jimmy and having his DNA?”

Dean frowned, realizing Sam was right.

Sam met Castiel’s eyes and said, “You can do it here.”

Balking at this, Dean asked, “Here? Sam, that’ll take a week at least. What about maid service?”

“We won’t have it for a few days. We’ll have it tonight, while Cas is still okay. And then refuse it for a few days. The first three are when it’ll be the worst. It’s not uncommon to refuse service like that, Dean. We do it all the time.”

“I don’t want to inconvenience you,” Castiel told them.

“You’re not inconveniencing us, Cas.”

“You were working a case.”

Dean answered, “It’s done” before looking at Sam, “What the hell do we know about detoxing?”

“Can’t be much different than when you made me detox off demon blood.”

This shut Dean up and Sam knew he had won.

<> <> <>

After the first 48 hours, Dean pulled Sam into the hallway and immediately jumped in. “I hate seeing him in agony like that, man.”

They’d gotten Castiel to eat a little bit, even though he only vomited it back up. He needed food and water in his system though and the boys kept encouraging him to keep hydrated and eat.

Dean continued, “I mean, Christ. How the hell did he get here?”

“Can you really blame him for being this way, Dean?” Sam asked quietly and Dean shot him a dark look. “After all the shit he went through –”

“We’ve been through a bunch of shit and we didn’t end up here.”

“I did.”

Dean look struck and he said, “That’s not the same.”

Sam sighed, “How is it different? It made me feel good. I mean, the reasons are different but Cas probably wanted to stop hurting. He lost who he was. He lost everything, Dean.”

Gruffly, Dean said, “He didn’t ever lose us. He left.”

“We’ve left each other plenty of times.”

Annoyed, Dean snapped, “Will you stop that?”

“Stop what?”

“Stop comparing his actions to everything we’ve ever done!”

“You need to hear it so you stop judging him so harshly. It’s not different and realizing we’ve done a bunch of the same stuff, it’ll help you be more sympathetic.”

“I am sympathetic, Sam! I’m just…” Dean started angrily, but trailed off, rubbing his mouth furiously.

When he didn’t finish, Sam finished for him, “Sad.” The sharp inhale Dean took let Sam know his word choice was correct. “I’m sad too, Dean. I’m sad we didn’t pay more attention to how much he was hurting. I’m sad he felt he needed to leave. I’m sad he couldn’t find a better way to make himself cope. I’m sad how sick he is right now. There’s a lot to be sad for about this whole mess. But, there’s a reason to not be sad and that’s that Cas came back for help. He wants to get better.” He paused before finishing, “We have to push through and see him through this, Dean.”

Dean exhaled, “I know.”

<> <> <>

Castiel was laying his head on the cool porcelain, trying to relax. The nausea came and went, some bouts harder and worse than others. He hated throwing up and he hated that all he wanted to do was run home and fall into the bliss and warmth of a high.

The door cracked open and Sam said gently, “Cas? Can I come in?”

Cas lifted his head to turn it to look at Sam. His eyes were red, his hair a mess. It smelled like vomit in the bathroom, no matter if it had been constantly flushed down the toilet. He opened his mouth to say something, but he gagged, turning his head back to the awaiting toilet.

Sam swallowed sharply, closing the door quickly behind him, and sat down on the bathroom floor next to Castiel. He reached out, rubbing Castiel’s back as he threw up again, his fingers clutching the toilet seat. The smell was awful, but Sam stayed put.

When it had passed, Castiel gasped for breath, his body heaving from the exerted effort.

When he’d regained enough strength, he reached out to flush the toilet and grab some toilet paper to wipe his mouth. He sputtered, “Sorry. You don’t have to stay in here. I’m sure it smells fucking rancid.”

Shaking his head, Sam held out the water bottle he had brought in. He said gently, “I’m not going to leave. I’ll stay as long as you need me to, buddy.”

No. The high wasn’t worth it, Castiel thought to himself, taking the water bottle from Sam.


	4. You're Worth It

Bringing the English muffin up to his lips, Castiel took it into his mouth slowly. He savored the butter, chewing slowly. He had kept down the applesauce and the pudding last night and this morning, which was a good sign.

He was ravenous, but Sam insisted he go slow. His body needed time to adjust to solid food again.

“Seem to still have some angelic ability,” Dean commented, and Sam shot him a look. Dean gave him a look back and asked, “What? He recovered in like four days!”

“That’s pretty standard,” Sam retorted.

“Withdrawals usually last that long. Then there’s recovery after that. I’m pretty impressed.”

Castiel swallowed another bite, watching the two of them bicker back and forth about his withdrawal and recovering period. He tried to block them out, focusing on how good it felt to actually have hunger again. When he first fell and the first pangs of hunger had hit him, he had been furious and depressed. He shouldn’t feel hunger. He shouldn’t feel that type of pain.

But over time he had accepted it, indulging in foods and drinks. Which led to more drinks… and then weed… and…

He squeezed his eyes, trying not to think about it.

“Cas?”

Dean’s voice cut through his thoughts.

Opening his eyes, Castiel focused on the two of them. “What?”

“You alright?” Sam asked concerned.

“No,” Castiel told him honestly before taking another bite of his muffin. “But, I’m getting there. Thanks to you two.”

Sam said without missing a beat, “And yourself.” Castiel furrowed his brow and swallowed. “You wouldn’t have come to us for help if you didn’t want to get clean. That’s on you. No one else.”

Right. Remember that he made the decision.

He thought of what Y/N had told him. That she wanted to help him but she couldn’t if he didn’t want the help.

She had been right. He hadn’t wanted to give it up; he’d gotten too used to it and it was habit. He wasn’t ready to face being abandoned by his Father; he wasn’t ready to face reality.

Castiel picked up the other half of his muffin and continued eating in silence.

<> <> <>

Castiel waited outside his apartment uncomfortably, pacing up and down the hallway. Fidgeting with his hands, he exhaled sharply, his eyes darting to his apartment door. Sam and Dean were inside cleaning up his mess of pills and alcohol. He’d told them every place he kept his pills; he wanted to make sure they were actually all gone. He couldn’t go inside safely if they weren’t.

He hated feeling. He hated knowing he had to feel this emotional and mental pain. But, he had to deal with it. And he needed more than Sam and Dean to get through it.

Perfect distraction.

Castiel pulled his phone out of his pocket, staring at the screen nervously.

<> <> <>

Your phone buzzed and you rolled over in bed, squinting to read it.

_11:01am Can I meet you? We need to talk._

Cas hadn’t texted in a little over a week and it had honestly been torture for you to not text him just to check in. You were almost at your breaking point, so seeing he had reached out, you simultaneously relaxed.

_11:04am Have you thought about what I said?_

_11:04am Yes. I am clean._

Your eyes narrowed at the screen, reading the text and then your eyebrows raised. He wasn’t serious, was he?

_11:05am Don’t mess with me, Castiel._

_11:06am I’m not. I got help from some family. They helped me detox._

Family? He never saw his family, let alone openly spoke much about them. And how reliable was a non-formal detox facility?

Castiel texted again:

_11:07 I’m at my apartment. I can come over if that’s okay._

Sighing loudly, you wanted to believe him so badly. You didn’t think he would lie about something like this though. Tears actually came to your eyes, thinking about what if it was true? Then you two could get back on track.

_11:08 Come over. I’ll come down._

<> <> <>

You’d thrown on a robe and gone downstairs to meet him. You didn’t speak on the way up the stairs back to your apartment. You wanted this conversation to be private.

When you turned to face him as he closed the door behind him, you crossed your arms, giving him a scrutinizing look.

He stood with space between the two of you. He looked like shit you had to admit, tired as hell really. But his eyes were clear. That was a first. You didn’t know if you had ever seen them clear.

“Did you really do it?” you cut right to the chase when you realized he wasn’t going to be the first to speak.

Castiel nodded, “I… I went to my friend’s hotel and they helped me out.”

You cocked an eyebrow, “Your friend’s hotel?”

“They were in town.”

“And they paid for a hotel for a week?”

“They were dedicated. And I’m grateful.” He paused before adding, “They threw out all my pills and alcohol. I told them where it was all at. I couldn’t go back to the apartment until they did that for me too.”

Narrowing your eyes slightly, you asked, “Is that why you were over there?” Castiel nodded and you watched him for a few moments before sighing, “Cas, you know it’s hard for me to believe this.”

“Y/N, please. Come with me for the day. We can go to lunch, with Sam and Dean.” You furrowed your brows and he explained, “My family. But if you’re with me, you catch watch me.” He stepped closer and said, “I really did it. For me. And you. But mostly for me. You were right. If I didn’t want it, it wasn’t going to work. And I am happy with you, and in order for me to continue being happy with you, I needed to get clean. I’m not going to say I won’t ever slip up or that it’s going to be easy for me to keep it up. But, I will always try to be clean and keep myself healthy for us.”

You stared at him in surprise, overwhelmed with what he had just said.

“Are you okay with that?” he asked you, his voice quiet.

Swallowing sharply, you managed to get out, “Cas… I want this to work out. I want us to work out.”

Relief flooded his face and he closed the distance between the two of you. He stared down at you, his eyes lingering on your lips and you picked up on his feeling. Leaning forward, you moved to him and he met you, your lips touching. His fingers wrapped up in your hair, pulling you closer. A tear escaped and Castiel felt it, pulling away from you. His eyes softened, and his thumb brushed the tear away.

“I promise,” he told you quietly.

He rested his forehead on yours, breathing deeply.

Closing your eyes, you breathed, “Thank you.”

“For?”

“For listening… for caring.”

Castiel pulled away and looked down at you. “It fucking sucked. It still sucks. I feel tired. But, it’s worth it, Y/N. You’re worth it.”

You pushed yourself into his arms, wrapping your own around him. He took you to him instantly.

<> <> <>

After getting ready quickly, Castiel followed you out of the apartment building and your eyes landed on two tall men standing at the base of the stairs. You assumed that they were the family Castiel was talking about.

The taller one stuck out his hand and greeted you, “Sam.”

You took his hand hesitantly, “Y/N.” His eyes were kind, and you could tell despite how large he was, he was gentle.

The other man did the same, introducing himself, “Dean.”

Dean’s eyes met Castiel and he asked, “Are we going to go get food?” Sam snorted, and Dean shot him a look. “What?”

“You’re always hungry.”

Dean looked offended and Castiel cut in, “Yes, lunch.”

“Thank god. Any place the two of you like?”

Castiel’s eyes met yours for a moment before he told Sam and Dean, “There’s a place called Earl’s close by that’s pretty good. Their egg white and avocado sandwich with bacon is amazing.”

Your heart warmed hearing him say that. Castiel’s hand grabbed yours, squeezing tight.

Dean looked disgusted, “Egg whites?” as Sam said, “Sounds good.”

Rolling his eyes, Dean muttered, “I’m surrounded by health freaks. Where is it at?”

Castiel began walking and you followed his lead. Walking close to him, he told you in hushed tones so only you could hear him, “Right back to the beginning.”

You responded, “This time I feel like it’ll get us to a better place.”

Castiel leaned down, giving you a quick kiss on your forehead. You latched onto his arm, holding him tight. He’d proved that he wanted you by his side and you had no intention of leaving again.


End file.
